I finally submitted my Thesis

   When I looked at my thesis text, realizing that it is almost ready and contains 60 pages, I felt happy that it was a significant accomplishment. Even though it's a modest work, I still see it as a great accomplishment that means a lot to me. Preparing this Thesis took place under unexpected health circumstances during the research journey, including data collection and analysis. COVID-19 was and still is a challenge as the city of Freiburg went on the second lockdown in a desperate attempt to regain the prevalence of this fatal virus. According to the medical report, my right eye was chronically affected for unknown reasons this time. Still, the most substantial claim was the already existing defect and the intensive work pressure. It suddenly got red, and pain started in the cornea. I was referred to an ophthalmologist nearby, and he confirmed that something weird was going on in my eye, which did not indicate that it would be healed soon. He did not get a minimal idea of what that thing was. However, the first indication showed it was a chronic inflammation. He immediately referred me to the Uni hospital to get a quick and straightforward prescription so that more expert ophthalmologists could diagnose me. Then, at the hospital, I was asked to stay over for a couple of days to receive intensive medical care as the situation was indicative that it was critical. 

I already have the so-called "Conical Cornea" disease, which is usually an incurable defect. I already conducted two surgical operations on the surface of the cornea of both eyes, which is called "Keratoconus or cross-linking, in 2015 in an attempt to stop the progress in the cornea and save the remaining degrees of my sight because this disease affects the view and sometimes causes blindness. 

When I was told about the seriousness of the matter, I deteriorated, as many things were on the table to be done, mainly the Thesis. I began having obsessions fly over my head, like, "What would happen if this situation lasted longer? What should I do to get my Thesis done on time? If I postponed the Thesis, what would happen, registering it again with a new topic or what?" etc.

Such questions pushed me to struggle to end the Thesis. First, I prioritized it because anything might have led to a real postponement and destroyed other plans. As a result, especially the limited time I was given to stay in Germany. I, therefore, struggled to finish it, using one eye most often. I insisted on finishing it, and I did that through the next phase of psychological pressure, which was losing this vital part of my body as I already lost two parts of my body. One resulted from a medical mistake and another from an accident on the bike. Thus, it was like a psychological battle that I fought as well. 

I felt things went well with the writing task, and then my second examiner informed me that he needed at least one month to review my text, which I found a long time ago, and I found myself compelled to submit. Shortly after the submission on the 13th of Feb, self-blaming without hints or introduction that such blaming would start hovering over my head. But why? I submitted my Thesis, which was supposedly a moment of happiness, looking at myself as well-accomplished and diligent due to my modest accomplishment. It was the fruit of a two-year master's program completed at three prestigious universities: Albert-Ludwigs University Freiburg (the host university), the University of Cape Town (the first partner university, and Chulalongkorn University (the second partner university). 

Instead of feeling that I had accomplished something incredible, I blamed myself for submitting my Thesis without even having my second examiner go over my Thesis and give feedback afterward. I only let him give me corrections on the first chapter of the Thesis, then asked me for modifications, saying he needed one month to review the whole Thesis. But I decided to submit it before; this decision put me under tough self-blaming with questions like, what would happen? Should I have gotten his feedback? I'm still new in the field, so I should have waited for his feedback to check where my weaknesses were.

In the meantime, I passed the deadline for submitting the Thesis that was set in advance upon registering the Thesis. At the same time, I tried to calm myself down, convincing myself that things would be fine, though I had big fears that my work still had some problems, etc. But the psychological pressure was more formidable, and it compelled me to stop working on my Thesis at a certain point. 

I maintained this attitude until further notice from the examination office to see whether my Thesis would be successful or not. That's why I feel like someone who has lost self-confidence. Failure is such a nightmare that I can imagine its impact.